5/31/05

last day of May, and orientation for all students. Had a great weekend, wish I had more time off to be lazy. I was lazy and had a good time doing it. The only thing I didn't get done was mowing the lawn and scooping shit for the very last time. I don't care, I will get to it when I get to it.

We are going to Rose Festival Jr Starlite Parade on Friday with Auntie and Uncle Pete, and then staying for fire works , Saturday have plans to go with Christina and Heather and Melissa to Rose Festival and then Sunday probably with TJ, Taty and myself. Should be an eventful weekend.

I have found my passion for work, I want to work at Kaiser Permanente. My Aunt also works there, besides TJ, and Her niece, and Tempie who is Johnny's grandma (taty's boyfriend) and they all make the money I want to without having to pay for benefits. I'm going to get on there, it just will take a while, but I will! They are hiring for 2 positions at Sunnyside and I would have to do on call, but the hours are there. TJ knows where all the sites are, and that is part of being on-call, you have to go where they send you until your first 90 days are up and make the probationary period. I can do it, and after 2 years, they would pay my way to go to school to be an x-ray tech if I wanted. Starting wage is almost $3 more an hour than I make now after being here for 3 years, plus I wouldn't have to pay for any medical out of my check! I like that idea. I just want more money and there is a lot of potential working at Kaiser, as to here, I'm stuck. If Genny leaves, I'm not even qualified enough to get her position, so I'll be stuck at this forever at this rate. I'm really excited about it, and I have a goal, and an obtainable one. I have wanted t work for this company for quite some time now, but if she can get me in, I'll take it!

5/26/05

Wearing my new out fit today. I've gotten a lot of compliments except from my husband. Imagine that!? That's ok, I've had lots of compliments already and the day is only young and fresh out.

Tatyana really wants a hampster. I'm trying to put it off, so that the next one won't die right away! Today it should be awesome outside, it's already hot! And by lunch, I'll be even hotter....

5/25/05

Got rid of the dog last night. Tatyana was the most sad, but he was sad too. It really was a sad event getting rid of her. She wanted to come with me, but we had to get rid of the dog. Now she wants a hampster! I have no knowledge or experience of a hampster! She definately does not want a rat, I tried that.

I'm having a tremendously good day, thus far. Jennifer wonders what is up with me, but it's just the sunshine, and relief of the dog being gone, I got checked out twice just walking up the street to drop off Laurel's cell phone at DHL, what a Great feeling that is to be noticed, to turn a head, to provoke a smile and a meaningful smile at that! Just from being me, I loved it!

5/24/05

Well, I survived the weekend. Mostly it was grand, except yesterday. Just so happens the landlady left a message on the recorder at home that stated she has learned we have a dog and the dog must go. Some how this is my fault! I called to bitch about the yapping scotty dog next door and seems he divulged this information to Debbie, the landlady. If I had kept my mouth shut, then this wouldn't have happened. It was inevidable!~ So, I said, ok, are you happy now, it's ALL MY FAULT! and strangely enough, he wasn't happy with just that. It's fading quickly, and what am I to do about it? Why bother, I even failed his "test" which was when he called me once yesterday he told me that he wanted an SUV in place of the dog, and I said "it's nice to Want isn't it?" and that made me fail the test. If all that wasn't bad enough, he plans to do some thinking, because I got the "I'm going to leave" again, and I asked if this was a threat or promise, and he said a promise. We'll see.....

Enough about my love life that doesn't exist, the weekend was good except yesterday. Didn't go to Multnomah Falls, she didn't want to and the waterpump was getting too bad for me to take it that far anyway. So, instead I did laundry, took the van in to get it fixed, walked to my mom's house, ate lunch, walked back.

Things About Me....

I's gots 99 problems...

Things About Me:
1. First grade teacher's name: Don't rememmber
2. Last person you kissed: TJ
3. Last word you said: One Moment Please...
4. Last song you sang: Hungry Eyes by Carmen something
5. Last person you hugged: TJ
6. Last thing you laughed at: Mr. Bill calling
8. What's in your CD player: Jack Johnson
9. What socks are you wearing: nylons
10. What's under your bed: Carpet.
12. Current taste: cinnamon Altoids!
13. Current hair style: styled pretty fly, I curled it today, it looks good
14. Current clothes: black tight slacks, white sandals, black tight shirt on with necklace and red fairy earrings, bracelet and watch.
15. Current Job: Administrative Assistant, Mother, Wife
16. Current longing: Passion, love, attention, compliments, being held for long periods of time, and SEX!
17. Current desktop picture: CCI
18. Current worry: Love affair
19. Current hate: lack of attention, too much tension and no romance
20. Story behind your username: my dad's nick name for me was doodler, tc being my initials
21. Current favorite article of clothing: I like it all
22. Favorite physical feature(s) of the opposite sex: I like a nice ass, facial hair, well groomed hair, long legs, muscles, nice smile, deep eyes and good eye contact, hair on a man's chest and the ability to touch it ALL!
23. Last CD that you bought: haven't ever
24. Favorite place to be: can't say, it's a secret!
25. Least favorite place: DEQ/DMV/Post Office/Any place governmenty with a line.
26. Time you wake up in the morning: 5:05 a.m.
27. If you could play a new instrument, what would it be?: piano
29. Current favorite word/saying: awesome, right on, woo hoo!
30. Favorite book: Awaken the Giant Within, Anthony Robbins
31. Favorite Movie: lots of them, used to be Firestarter
32. Favorite Songs: Caught Up, Usher, Black Eyed Peas have some
34. One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: my grandma
.35. Favorite day: Friday
36. Where do you want to go: France, Las Vegas
37. What is your career going to be: right here and now it's Admin for WBC
39. What kind of car will you have: don't know, I have 2 now
41. A random lyric: You make my PeePee go "boing boing boing", eminem!
42. Eye Color: blue
43. Hair Color: redish brown
44. Righty or Lefty: Righty
45. Zodiac Sign: Libra
46.Innie or Outtie: Innie
47. Your heritage: German
48. The shoes you wore today: white sandals
49. Your hair: beautiful, full and styled
50. Your weakness: one man
51. Your fears: 2 men, spiders, lack of love
53. Your most recent secret?: can't say
54. Your first thought waking up: can't say either, but it's someone
55. The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: eyes, heighth, clothes, posture, ass, hair, smile, teeth, walk
56. Your bedtime: 8:00
57. Your most missed companion: TJ
58. Your perfect pizza meat
59. Sweet and Chewy: sweet and chewy
60. Single or group dates: single
61. Dogs or Cats: either as long as it doesn't live in my house for me to clean up after
62. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: both, but Lipton is awesome!
63. Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
64. Cappuccino or Drip: cappuccino
65. Smoke: No, hell no!
66. Curse: period
67. Sing: love to!
68. Take a shower everyday: Heavens yes!
69. Have a crush: Big one!
71. Think you've been in love: yes, oh yes
72. Want to go to college: have, might again
73. Want more than what you’ve got: F**k yes!
74. Want to get married: yes
75. Type w/ your fingers on the right keys:yes.
76. Think you're attractive: yes, didn't used to but lately, yes
77. Think you’re a health freak: No.
78. Get along with your parents: yes, mom, dad's dead
79. Play an instrument: No.
80. drink: Yes.
81. Smoke: No.
82. Done a drug: yes
83. Made Out: No, kissed not "made out" there's a difference
84. Go on a date: No, sadly no, well, on his birthday we did gourmet food
85. Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No.
86. Eaten sushi: hell no!
87. Been dumped: No.
88. Made homemade cookies: yes
89. Been in love: yes, struggling but yes
90. Gone skinny dipping:no
91. Dyed your hair: yes
92. Stolen anything: Uhhhhh, yes!HAVE YOU EVER..
93. Had too much to drink: no
94. Been caught cheating: not yet.
95. Been called a tease: I dont think so.
96. Gotten beaten up: verbally, mentally yes
97. Changed who you were to fit in: Suuuure.
98. Cried at something beautiful: movie, yes I did
99. Spent too much money on something you didn’t need: no, I need what I spend money on, except one thing, that I won't mention

5/20/05

Well, what an interesting start of today already. I got a lovely email from Lisa, my best friend in the world, and had a wonderful conversation with her last night. I really miss our talks. It helped me figure myself out and compare my issues that I go through with others. Makes me know I'm sane!

Not had such a good conversation with my husband. I'm not sure where today will lead, I can only wonder and hope for the best. Sunday is a big 16 years, and I hope that day is pleasant. I'm not sure about the zoo, but it is my intension to be there. Multnomah Falls some time this weekend with Tatyana, not TJ, it would kill him to walk to the bridge, or take all damn day and I don't have that kind of patience. Monday I won't be at work, a vacation day. It will be weird!

5/19/05

Happy Birthday Lisa! Just wanted to say that right away!

Last night, I was invited to leave home if I didn't like being with him or Tatyana, and of course the damn dog. Lovely isn't it? I didn't find it amusing at all. I let him know about it too. Not that I have any place to go, because I don't unless an emergency comes up, I have made arrangements for that just in case. If I leave, I'm supposed to leave Tatyana there though. That's the deal. I couldn't imagine him taking care of her, being in all the pain, and not even being able to take care of me, or himself in every fashion! He said you bitch about everything and you don't even realize it, I said I guess you are right, I'm not happy. He said so why don't you just leave then, since you are not happy here with us? Mind you, I worked all day and he had it off and I came home to cook dinner, because He got a headache from Tatyana running around like a wild indian. Lucky me! Imagine that!? So, I kept quiet and did my thing, making dinner, cleaning it up. Later he asks if I'm going to ignore him all night, I said no, did you want to talk, go some place, do something? He said nothing. So, we went to bed to watch Lost and had a discussion, almost heated, but I didn't allow the yelling. I find it not necessary when I'm laying right next to him. I asked him if he needed my help in taking care of his manly duties? Probably not the best way to say it, and from his reaction, I guess not. I meant do I need to advise him of my needs, what I want, how I want it, when I want it? I got positive feedback finally, he held my hand for almost 5 minutes (a record for the last 5 years), I've gotten 5 good kisses, he gropped me, and other accessories this morning just enough to get me going good. Nothing like being frustrated, nothing at all like it!

On a good note, we now have tickets to go see WWE on Friday, June 17th and got good seats, thanks to Donna! Woo Hoo! I'm excited about that, the price was outrageous, but it should be well worth it. I wish we could get souveniers, but the tickets alone are over $90.

5/18/05

What a smashing good lunch, spent with some one I admire, just the last half hour though. I walk around the block and that's what we did. The weather was great, didn't rain, had a nice breeze. I will probably spend Monday alone, TJ has to work, so it will be just Tatyana and me. So, I will try to make the best of it. I need to get some things resolved with him, and hopefully soon. He gets so cranky with me, I hate to even talk about things, it seems to bring only confrontation. I wish things were like it was back in the day. The difference is a child. He puts "the family" first, and us on hold. I can't do that for the next several years, I'll be crazy by then. There need to be benefits, goodies, rewards. I need to be stimulated in a lot of ways, all ways really. I'm sure everyone can relate with me on that one!

5/17/05

I woke up with a head ache, and I'm trying to get over it. There seems potential for this evening, so keep your fingers crossed for me. I told him I would not say no when the offer was present, and I will keep my word. Only people who know me will know what I am referring to, so let us hope I have broken the chain of a long, long long time without!

On a new note, I plan to go shopping today. I have extra cash from my allowance and didn't spend it as he Thought I would. I had to prove him wrong, so with that, I'm going to go shopping! I won't get to spend as much as Teresa, but I will have a little fun with it. I need new sandals for summer, when I wear the ones I have been wearing for last summer it makes a crack in my pinky toe and hurts. I don't think that's what I'll spend it on, but I need another blouse to wear with my black velvet skirt that Kelly gave me, so that is one thing I want to get, something not to "formal" that Laurel will ask me if I'm going to a dinner party or something.

I loved Teresa's blog yesterday, it was just the story book romance I want to have that my husband informed me of 16 years ago that those kind of romances don't exist. They are just titled Harloquin Romance and it's just a fairy tale. I tend to differ with him, because Teresa is living proof of this that it is true and can be done, sometimes effortlessly and others require effort. Most good things in life do require effort, constant attention and hard work. But, that makes it worth it all the while. I am looking forward to two 3 day weeknds in a row! Woo Hoo! Sunday is our 16th Wedding Anniversary. I was thinking we could take Tatyana to the zoo or go to Multnomah Falls and walk up to the bridge with the damn dog. They have a nice cafe there, we could sit and eat and relax afterwards too. Just depends on the weather....

Head ache is getting better, but I'm quite tired today. I was informed I'm not my usual self today. Frustration is getting the best of me, but soon I shall get myself under control. Yesterday was quiet, thinking, today I'm tired and thinking. Tomorrow will be a much better day, not that today is bad. I went to Ross today to get some clothes, and all the colors are wrong! I can't wear pink, yellow or peachy colors. I wanted Red, Black or purple. There was a dark blue outfit but it was ugly, and for that price I want cute or even sexy, not ugly. I don't want to wait until next season for clothes, I have money now! If I wait for the right time, the special thing will be there for me. I wanted this one out fit but it's a 3 piece and I'm sure it's hand wash, $30. That would take almost all of my money, so I am waiting for the right one to come along, and it will. I wanted something new and exciting, catchy, flashy, and sexy if I can get away with it. Must be patient and wait....

5/16/05

Smashing good weekend. Loved it! Weather and all considered. Even today is going to be great. Did lots of thinking. It is better than it was, but still in a lot of respects the same. I think I might be getting through to him, but I wouldn't swear to it. He was tired and had a head ache this weekend, so that answers that question. That's ok, it's all good. I have made it known that things need to change, the passion needs to be there, present and known for me. I told him I thought the passion was gone that he has for me, so I got the first kiss in the door on Saturday and Sunday, with tongue I might add. He held my hand yesterday while watching TV, for almost 2 minutes. That's an improvement. I got a lot done this weekend and tonight I have to iron clothes, that I didn't get done this weekend. Ran out of time and energy. I have to cook dinner tonight because he works swing shift, so it's me and Tatyana. I got her room cleaned out though, brought toys to work to give to kids that come here and play. Picked up my mom and brought her home too.

5/12/05

I hate having to think of a title for each blog, so now I'm using dates rather than titles.

Well, today has started out marvellous, PS I can't get into, even Henry at the support desk cannot get into it. Then, Michael calls and I won't be graced with his presence until 11! I am so happy about that! I know I am bizzare, but what can I say?

Yesterday was my cousins birthday and I called him on his cell to wish him just that, and got his answering machine that has his lovely daughter's voice for the recording. So, I left a message. I've sent him a letter, and my letters are usually longer than my blogs. I've sent him a picture and called numerous times, and to no avail, I get the answering machine. I'm sad about it, but just left a message, what else can I do? So, I've tried feverishly to talk with him, but it seems his life is too busy for me. Makes me wish that when we were younger and he lived here that I would have spent more time with him, so that I wouldn't be missing him so much today. I told him in the letter I sent that I missed him a lot. We used to talk a lot on the phone and I'd see him in person. I remember so well, and now he has 2 children, and has been married I think a year longer than we have, which will be 16 years as of May 22nd. That's a long time to be with the same person.

On a different note; I've decided I can't make up my mind about myself. One day I'm one way and the next, I'm another! I guess I'm confused, or rather, undecided. I amaze myself in this way. As I told Melanie, I can't imagine myself without him but yet I can't imagine myself living in the way it is now "without". I can't figure out what to do to change his perspective. What I've tried hasn't worked. I don't want to live my entire life selabit, being married isn't supposed to be that way. I'm still pondering what to do, at this point doing nothing is what I'm doing. I think I need to read my book again, the whole 532 pages and check myself again. Maybe, it's me is the problem? I feel I make myself attractive, a student proved that yesterday while embarrassing me. Not often do I get that red, but he got me! I can't live my life vicariously through other people, that isn't satisfactory. I must have romance, physical attention, I have needs! Most people do, and I am no exception. That is one of the reasons why I wanted to speak to my cousin, he has been in an accident and also lives every day in pain, takes heavy narcotics and I want to know if his sex drive is gone due to drugs. If she is satisfied with him after all these years of being married, a father and a career man? My Aunt has the same problem with no drive or use for any sexual activity at all. Same reason, heavy narcotics. That's why I wonder if this is a normal side effect, just no use for it at all.

5-9-05

What a hell of a weekend. Way too packed with people to do, things to see! It was fun however. I enjoyed it. I got what I wanted for Mother's Day which was my hair cut. I'm now Mahogony brown and I like it. It will take a week to grow out comfortably where I can style it again, but I don't have wings like a pad commercial to fly away with, and that I like! Had an awesome time though Saturday with Teresa, Genny, Christina, Heather, Alexis, Joe and even TJ was very pleasant. I like that, he was generous and enjoyable to be with. Tatyana had a smashing good time with Heather and the pizza was the bomb. I like Joe, he's cool and very nice looking. Good eye contact. Teresa looked lovely as usual. I felt most sorry for poor Wiliam and his cough. I hope he gets better soon. I got all the things done except for ironing, I got one of his uniforms done and then Teresa came over to cut our hair. Annie liked her enough that she pissed on the floor. TJ cleaned it up so I was ok with it.

Lisa called back but I didn't get to talk to her, that bums me out. I don't get to talk to her enough, so when I miss the opportunity it sadens me. My mom was so tickled with her earrings however. Then, when I went to get them, I ran into an old partyin' buddy and come to find out one of our common friends has OD'd and is not with us any longer, God Rest her Soul. I'm not terribly surprised other than what she did to OD and how it was handled that was wrong. Everyone has a time and place, but not in the fashion hers was taken care of or not taken care of. It was truly good to see her and I have her number and I plant to call her. She works at Claire's at the Gresham Mall. She lives 4 blocks from my house too! Weird, small world rather.

I got my review today from Laurel from last October. It was a much better review than I've had in the past. It was very positive and she had a lot of good things to say about me. She is going to try to get me a much larger raise this coming October because she feels I deserve it. I was quite pleased about it. Well, it's time to do the mail!

God Bless the Broken Road is stuck in my head today. Good song. So, now Tatyana has a cold AGAIN! I hate it when that happens, hopefully she won't share. What are the chances of that happening? Won't go there!

Melissa is tripping me out! What kind of a game is she playing I wonder?? Hopefully, she will share and we will know soon...

Lots of plans this weekend, hope it works out, since the little one is sick. I wanted what Melissa got me long time ago for Mother's Day, which is this lovely lotion from Victoria Secret and he said no! So, I'm going to settle for a hair cut at $10! I'm worth that, but now I have to wait for a bit before scheduling it because I've told him his hair needs cut too, and so he actually listenend to me and we are all getting it done together. Nothing like feeling important and exclusive, but I didn't tell him that. I get to take my mom to breakfast at Carrow's on Mother's Day and pending on Tatyana's illness will dictate if we get to go to church or not. Can't send her snotting and coughing...We also have plans with Christina and Heather to ride bikes at the park, but again, depends on the snotting thing. So, I hope she is better, no school today for her. So long as either of us don't get it. It just keeps going around, and I hate being consumed by snot, nothing worse than not breathing, then you blow all the shit out and it comes right back as if you had made no attempt at all to remove it! The human body does gross things some times!

Monday, Monday, so good to me!

I tried Duck on Friday at WCI. I had buffalo and it was nummy. The only mistake was the dessert. We traded. We went to Al's and got him a pair of shorty boots, they look hot on him. We didn't go to a movie, she was wound too tight and I would have killed her. We stayed home and chilled.

I got lots of cleaning done this weekend. So much that I feel I should wait until the weekend after next to do anything again!